Penn vs Duquesne

at Franklin Field

September 17th, 2005

Welcome back everyone! Do you recognize the place? Over the summer, lots of things changed, like the name of Spruce College House. But since everyone else at Penn seems happy to suck up to anyone with cash, the Penn Band has also decided to jump on the [overemphasized snicker] bandwagon - I'll wait to continue until the groaning dies down...

So ... any takers? Who gets the privilege of adding their name to our already ridiculously long moniker? We're not too proud to be sponsored - if the NFL can take boat loads of advertising money from the makers of Cialis and Viagra, why can't the Huge, Enormous, Well-Endowed Ivy League champs??

Form: $

Play: Sell Out

The band is undergoing a complete overhaul - as our brand new Colorguard shows. Aren't they hot? And we were thinking - if we're going to go looking for loot, where's a better place to start than that mansion of moolah, that penthouse of prosperity, that van down by the river of valuables - Jon M. Huntsman Hall. We got all our information about Wharton from our magic 8 ball, so as far as we know, Wharton is made up entirely of rich, conservative guys just loaded with cash. In order to woo their almighty dollar, we have decided not to make any more jokes about the following topics that we can only guess are near and dear to the hearts of Whartonites.

For example, we will no longer make fun of rich conservative guys. That just makes sense.

And of course, we'll no longer criticize a republican president's handling of ... well, if we were going to list all the things not to criticize about the president, we'd be here all week. Let’s just say we like existing, so we'll just keep our lips zipped on that topic altogether, and next thing you know, our Sugar Daddy will be showing us off in style.

Form: SHH

Play: Big Spender

So, during that last song, we came to the sudden realization that the only way we'd ever get money out of a Whartonite Sugar Daddy is if we became contestants on the Apprentice and killed all the other applicants. Besides, why bother changing our stripes when it would be much easier to stick with what we're naturally good at? If we play our cards right, we could be poised to take over Mask & Wig's spot as "Penn Group most likely to brownnose the University's President!"

[short pause]

Wait a minute - Amy, what are those? Are those plane tickets to Hawaii for the basketball games over Winter Break? Why, Dr. Gutmann, thank you so much! (hint, hint)

Form: an airplane

Play: Hawaii 5-0

So that's about it. We hope you all enjoy the new, cleaned up Penn Band, and that you'll take the time before the end of the game to come drop a dollar in the bass drum case. $20 and we'll rename one of the flute players after you.

Help us rake in the cash 24/7

Next Monday at 6 in Annenberg 511

Money talks, but we'd rather have you.

Now Please Rise for the Red & the Blue.

Forms R&B

Play: R&B

Halftime Show, September 24 2005

Penn vs Villanova

Wow, so this is the Famous Franklin Field. We're happy that Villanova was gracious enough to invite us to play on their home turf, but there is something that has been eating at us all morning: we cannot simply stand by while Villanova so blatantly mocks the wishes of the NCAA. In order to comply with the NCAA’s heralded new crusade against offensive mascots, the Villanova Wildcat must go. The Wildcat is unnecessarily divisive and exclusionary, emphasizing Villanova's long and shameful history of segregating wild and domestic cats. Furthermore, the choice of a predatory animal is incredibly offensive to Vegetarians. Why not change the mascot to something that no one could be offended by? Follow Penn's example and make your mascot a religious figure. How about the Villanova Disciples? Villanova Deacons? Villanova Dyslexics?

Form: DOG

Play: V for Villanova

If only there were a mascot that could better embody the spirit of the Vanilla Nova student body… Hmm, what rhymes with “boring?”  Well, you're all in luck, because we, the Penn Band, took the time to come up with some new mascots that all have something in common with most Vanilla Nova students. See what you think of them:

Polar Bears

Dandruff

A Lab Coat

Styrofoam Cups

Michael Jackson's Glove

Michael Jackson (hee hee)

Ivory Soap

The Inside of a Twinkie

Marshmallows in the Snow

And, of course, The Princeton Student Body

Well, you get the idea; hope we helped. We’ll give you some time to think about it as the Penn Band casts our vote by forming a nice, fluffy cloud.

Form: a cloud

Play: A Whiter Shade of Pale

Well, Nova, we don't want to take up too much of your time, as we really do appreciate that you invited us to your home turf. We thought you would just assume that we're academic snobs who wouldn't want to set foot on your campus, but that's not us at all. We're here to promote camaraderie with one of our favorite basketball rivals. But frankly, we're surprised you set foot in West Philadelphia at all. Are you not aware of the dangers that lurk here in West Philly? Crime, drugs, Tsetse flies, cereal masquerading as chinese food, mind probing alien brain waves, and that woman outside of Allegro's Pizza who claims to own the University… Ladies, Gentlemen, and Villanova Students - save yourselves! Leave now while you can. Get out of the stadium and run for the R5! Seek refuge at Villanova! Escape West Philly's dangers and embrace the serenity of the rolling hills of rural Pennsylvania. In the middle of nowhere, with no signs of student life or social interest whatsoever, see just how peaceful and secure Villanova University is. After all, safety was the first word that came to mind when we thought of Villanova.

Forms: IUD

Play: Safety Dance

Hey Villanova

You don't have a clue

Franklin Field rises

For the Red & the Blue

Form: R&B

Play: R&B

Halftime at Dartmouth

Oct 1st, 2005

[silence]

V1: Uh… Where's the show?

V2: I thought you had it!

V1: No, you had it!

V2: I gave it to you last night, right before…

V1: No, I gave it back, when we got up this morning.

V2: No you didn't!

V1: Yes I did!

V2: Did not!

V1: Did too!

[band slowly stops scrambling to look up at announcer's booth]

V2: Well, we have to do SOMETHING! What's funny about Dartmouth?

V1: I dunno - I don't know anything about Dartmouth… well, their mascot's a color right? Don't we have a bunch of Green Day songs? We could play them while we think of something else.

V2: Yeah, I guess… So we could like, play Boulevard of Broken Dreams, because that pretty much describes Dartmouth.

V1: And the band could form something that denotes despair… [band flips through folders as if looking for the song]

Form: : ( 

Play: Boulevard of Broken Dreams

V2: Well, that bought us some time. Do you remember any of the jokes we wrote?

V1: Well, there was the one about…

V2: No, we couldn't do that one, remember? It was too offensive.

V1: How about the one about kicking their mascot?

V2: No, they got the reference to drinking.

V1: Didn't we write one about George Bush?

V2: No, that was two weeks ago. And people complained.

V1: So, what can we make fun of?

V2: Uh. Green Day? How about "Basket Case?"[band starts looking through folders; finds it]

V1: Nah, that one's way too old. Do we have Holiday? [band groans and begins flipping yet again, this time more frantically]

V1: [aside] It looks like all their fans went on Holiday. [snicker] Did you hear? I said it looks like their fans went on Holiday.

V2: There - joke number two. Perhaps the band could form them all boarding a plane to get the heck out of New Hampshire.

Form: A Blob

Play: Holiday

V1: What other good Green Day songs are there?

V2: Good Riddance! I love that song!

V1: We don't have it, and it's a lame song anyway. Green Day are such sellouts.

V2: Are you kidding? They're groundbreaking!

V1: Three cords is not groundbreaking.

V2: What songs do we have?

V1: I forget - is there anything up here we could read?

V2: Just these lyrics to their school song…

V1: HA! They have the "granite of New Hampshire in their muscles and brains?" Well, judging by the talent pool on their football team, I'd say they're half-right.

V2: I guess with the granite in their brains, they enjoy the rock music we've been playing.

Form: A Rock

Play: American Idiot

[silence]

V1: Uh… Knock Knock

V2: Who's there?

V1: Interrupting Cow.

V2: Interrupting Co-

V1: [interrupting] Moooooo.

Now please rise for the Red & the Bluuuuuue.

Form: UP

Play: R&B

Bucknell Proposal Show

October 8, 2005

1) Hello again everyone. We know everyone is looking forward to a bitingly sarcastic, cynical message from the Penn Band, but that's not what's going to happen today. No, we're going to show you a side of the band that is softer, sweeter. We're going to talk today about the subject of love. After all, love is a many splendored thing, all you need is love, and... the only other song I can think of is love hurts, but that's not what I'm going for here. Love is amazing! Think of all the happy-endings love has wrought:

Ashton & Demi

Bennifer

Romeo & Juliet

Lisa Marie Presley & Nicholas Cage

Lisa Marie & Michael Jackson

Tom Cruise & Nicole Kidman

Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes

Tom Cruise & Ashton Kutcher

Elizabeth Taylor and... Well, you get the idea.

Forms: LUV

Plays: Everybody Needs Somebody to Love

2) NO! Dagnabit! We're not being cynical and sarcastic! Love really is a great thing people! And we're all so lucky, because the University of Pennsylvania is one of the greatest places to meet and fall in love. Long walks by the Bio Pond, long... having fun together on college green, in class, at a frat, at GFAC. Wherever you go, love is in the air, or under the button. Penn students are so infatuated with the idea of love you can even sign up for random hookups online. What's next? The ability to order your own trophy wife for Whartonites? Heck, the UA has even instituted co-ed dorm rooms, so you can live with your honey to find out if you're compatible before you graduate from the Nursing school with your MRS. You can get stuck in a relationship here without even trying!

Forms: OOPS

Plays: Accidentally In Love

3) I'm sorry folks, I truly am. The irony just keeps coming out of me, without my permission. It's not going to happen again. We're going to stick to reality. You can be cynical about it all you want, but love truly is an amazing thing. It can crop up in the most unexpected of places, but when it does, lives are never the same. We in the Penn Band have been fortunate enough to watch a number of romances bloom and flourish within our ranks, and we're always overjoyed when we see different bandos return for Homecoming in the same cars, pushing little baby bandos in strollers in front of them. But we get ahead of ourselves. The rhyme goes: First comes love, but I can't quite remember what comes next…

Oh I know! Pardon me if I break from the script here, but resident bando Mark Lee has paid me quite a sum of money to request that Sarah Cohen be brought to the center of the field. Sarah, we know you still have plenty of time left in school, but Mark wanted to make sure that he got one thing before he left, and that one thing is your promise. Take it away Mark!

Form: a Ring

Plays: To Be With You

Sarah says no, Band's rendition of song falls apart. Awkwardness ensues.....

4) Congratulations guys! Thanks for letting us share this moment.

It couldn't have happened for a better two,

Now please rise for the Red & the Blue......(oh whammy.....)

Form: R&B

Plays: Red and Blue

Halftime - Penn versus Yale

Family Weekend 2005

October 22nd, 2005

Hey Parents, welcome to Penn.

You brought me some 5’s and a 10.

Thanks a lot for the green.

I don't want to be mean,

See ya when I need money again!

Band forms: CASH

Plays: Free Ride

If an Eli got locked up in Jail,

He won't call mom or daddy for bail.

He sits in his cell,

And he lives quite well.

He's better off there than at Yale.

Band forms: JAIL --> YAIL

Plays: Carry On My Wayward Son

Your son lives with his new girlfriend Gail,

Who's really a fine piece of tail.

Take a good look again;

Her name used to be Ken.

Worse yet, she's a transfer from Yale.

Form: (woman symbol) --> (male symbol)

Play: Dude Looks Like a Lady

And thus, ends our tribute to you.

Parents, you always come through.

We don't want to yield,

But we must leave the field.

Now please rise for the red & the blue.

Form: PENN

Play: R&B

Halftime - Penn at Brown

October 29, 2005

You know what I hate? The Oregon Trail. Seriously - what was up with that game? How was that educational? At least Mario Teaches Typing… teaches typing. Did anyone really learn anything from deciding whether to travel at a "grueling" or "steady" pace? Do oxen even have more than one pace?

All the Oregon Trail taught me was if you ever go hunting, one buffalo weighs about 400 pounds, but you can only carry back whatever fits in a paper lunch sack. And fording the river??? When did fording the river EVER work? Honestly, if you're not going to caulk the wagon, just stay home, where Cletus can get bitten by snakes and then die of cholera in the comfort of his own bed.

Form: Wagon Wheel

Play: Rawhide

And what's the deal with sliced bread? How lazy are you if you can't slice your own dang bread…

(southern genteel accent) Oh no sir, I'm too sweet and innocent and pretty to wield such a big scary knife. You and your fancy bread slicing machine must do it for me, or else I might break a nail. Then how would I ever survive in this big bad world?

(normal voice) Honestly, why don't I just chew it for you? Suck it up and cut it yourself.

Form: slice of bread

Play: Mack the knife

And line dancing! Who was the ad wizard who came up with that one? Here's a tip people - if you have no rhythm or originality, DON'T DANCE! It's that simple. In elementary school, line dancing was part of the gym requirement. Let me repeat that, for those of you who didn't grasp it the first time. I was graded. As a physical activity. On whether or not I could do the electric slide. I'm not joking people. This is the state of education in our country. So all of you - Los Del Rio, Billy Ray Cyrus, Cotton Eye Joe, whoever you are... Stop. Just go back into the hole you crawled out of, and never return.

Oh great, now it's stuck in my head.

Form: Parade Block

Play: Macarena

Man, I feel better... I've been holding that in for years. That's what I call Chicken Soup for my soul... Speaking of things I hate... I probably shouldn't get started.

You know all I've said today is true.

Please rise now for the red and the blue

From: R + B

Play: Red & Blue

Homecoming against Princeton
November 5, 2005

Start reading during Script Penn:

The Penn Band would like to extend an extra special welcome today to all of the wallets with legs… Uh, I mean Alumni, who came back for the homecoming against everyone's favorite Pussycats. Ah Princeton. One of the nations most prestigious schools- always in the news… We've noticed dozens of articles recently detailing the school's student group dedicated to protecting the virtue of Princeton's virgins. We find all this excitement surprising, as the Princeton Band has been around for a very long time. In our own neck of the woods, Penn students have started Quake, a magazine aiming to titillate our intellectual libidos- one wonders where this magazine was back when Penn was all male. Of course, things are always changing around here. Sprint brand turf, where there used to be grass! Buildings where there used to be grass! Construction, where there used to be grass! Naturally, the all this artifice has greatly confused Mother Nature- who has been soaking us with buckets of rain these past few weeks. We spent the last two home games looking for Noah to build us a speedboat.

Harvard Halftime Show

November 12th 2005

Entrance: Duckhunt --> band runs in in multiple flying Vs, one at a time. Drum Major stands on the ladder and shoots at them with a cardboard cut out of a Duck Hunt gun.

[knocking}

BOY:Hi.

GIRL: Hey.

BOY: You must be Megan. I'm Dan. You look nice.

GIRL: Thanks. Melanie said we're in Chem together?

BOY: Yeah, I usually sit at the front though... come on in.

GIRL: Thanks... I'm not usually into Blind Dates, but Mel said you're cool... so what are we doing?

BOY: Well, I got everything set up.

GIRL: Set up for what?

BOY: You can even have the first controller!

GIRL: Are you kidding me?

Form: Nintendo Controller

Play: Mario Theme (falters)

BOY: Hold on, I gotta blow into the console...

Plays: Mario theme.

(While the song is playing, certain band members in costumes act out certain roles- toad, mario, etc.).

GIRL: Uh, sorry, but I think your princess is in another castle.

GUY: [laughing] that's hilarious! You're awesome. Well, if you want to play something else, I've got a whole stack of games over there.

GIRL: (as girl lists off games, various band members act out parts of them) Paperboy, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Ducktales, Mike Tyson's Punch Out, Michael Jackson's Moonwalk... Why do you have the Barbie game?

GUY: it was my little sisters.

GIRL: Sure. What's this one?

GUY: Ooh! North and South! That's a great game! The south can win the Civil War!

GIRL: And that's a good thing? [pause] Carmen Sandiego? I thought this was for Computers.

GUY: No, it was for nintendo. Here - come on, I'll show you.

Form: ?

Play: Carmen Sandiego

(make cutout of Mt. Rushmore, Carmen Sandiego dressed up underneath parka, steal Mt. Rushmore)

GIRL: That's OK... I only really ever liked the TV show anyway. Are you sure you don't want to go to like… a movie or a restaurant?

GUY: No, I have skittles and sprite, what else would I need? Oh! Check it out, the original bling of Nintendo!

GIRL: (suddenly interested) Oh my gosh! Zelda! I used to play that when I was a kid! I could never figure out how to find the blue candle though.

GUY: Actually, You can beat the game without ever touching the blue candle. Or the Red Ring, Magic Wand, Magic Book, blue ring, Old Woman's Letter, the Magic Key, the Magical Sword, the White Sword, the Magic Shield, the Heart Containers. AND you can avoid getting the Wooden Sword until you fight Ganon.

GIRL: [weirded out] Uh... really? That's interesting.

Form: Triforce

Play: Zelda

(someone with the short sword... etc walk around like link)

GIRL: You sure know a lot about Old school nintendo... you must spend a lot of time in here... by yourself...

BOY: Well, I also play D&D.

GIRL: Really? I'm a level 12 white mage!

BOY: Wow...

GIRL: I gotta go- I'll see you in class, OK?

BOY: WAIT! All my base are belong to you!

Please now rise for red blue!

Form: R&B

Play: R&B

Cornell Halftime Show (Senior Tribute)

November 19th, 2005

 

Hey Penn Band! How can it be four years already? Remember that Princeton game last february? Or that time… okay, those times… under the button? Late nights, early mornings, late mornings? Those classes we took together, and the places we lived? Woodland College house, Spruce, Hamilton…those were some good times. I'll never forget that time we thought we knew what we wanted to do with our lives. Keep in Touch! Have a Great summer! BFF!!! Ah, the mammoth class of 2006. How could we forget any of you?

Jason "Tuby" Beiger- Most Likely to be arrested in Las Vegas.
Chris Bellis- Most likely to win a coin flip with a cop.
Kirsten Blessing- Most likely to throw a photocopier out the window.
Tiffany Chen- Most Likely to Play with Harry Potter's Magic Wand.
Sherri Cohen- Most Likely to steal from old ladies.
Allison Fandl- Most likely to eat a turducken.

Jen Fleischer - Most likely to dominate the Band Intramural Basketball Team
Rico Franco- Most likely to be known as "that band guy".
Amar Gala- Most Likely to have his name mispronounced.
Willow Gross- Most likely to offend people, purposefully or not.
Melanie Heckman- Most Likely to choreograph a cymbol dance.
Nat Kane- Worst attendance.
Melody Kramer- Most likely to abuse listservs./ Most likely to be sent
to a spam filter.
Megan Lee- Most Likely to join an Asian society.
DeMauri Macki- Most likely to disappear in the snow.
Josiah Neiderbach- Most likely to join the red & blue man group.
Jess Neiterman- Most Likely to attend evil law school.
Jillian Kuhn- Most Likely to harrass Barry Lasley.
Jackie Scena- Most patient with her roommate.
Sherri Wykosky- Least likely to play an instrument.
Rob Yu- Most likely to break the Pike rule.

Form: 2006

Play: Simply the Best