Fall 2003 Penn Band Halftime Shows
Penn versus Duquesne September 20th, 2003
Coming into our game against Duquesne we decided to learn as much about this fine university as possible. Here now is our revised version of Duquesne history. In 1826, two friends sat down to play Scrabble near PITTSBURGH, Pennsylvania. After drawing two U’s and a Q the first man threw his pieces down in disgust and Duquesne was formed.
Band forms: U U Q
Band Plays: Games People Play
In the early years of the university, school spirit was at an all time low.
Something was missing. That something…was a mascot.
A brain-trust was formed to give an image to truly represent the university’s adventurous spirit and bold originality. They failed…
Band Forms: D U Q
Band Plays: Think
And that brings us up to date. You all may still have questions about the Dukes rich cultural history.
Here are some answers:
The most popular classes are the Immaculate Reception, the Inaccurate Contraception, and the Academic Misconception.
The official drink is Heinz ketchup.
Some famous alumni include Duke Ellington, Patty Duke, Arch Duke Ferdinand, Duke Nukem, the Duke of Earl, David Duke-ovny, John “the Duke” Wayne, the Dukes of Hazzard, and Carlos Santana.
Band Forms: F A Q
Band Plays: Smooth
Now you know everything there is to know about Duquesne. Seriously…that’s it.
Since we can’t tie this into something new
Please all rise for the Red & the Blue
Band Forms: R & B
Band Plays: R & B
Penn @ Lehigh September 27th, 2003
Usually during halftime shows, we the Penn Band, like to talk about things we don’t like and make fun of them. Today is going to be different. Today we talk about what we love, and the Penn Band loves water. We know what you’re thinking, “Wow, that’s weird, who loves water?” Well, we don’t care. We love water so much we’d probably die if we didn’t have it. So now begins our Water Tribute Show:
Band Forms: LOVE
Band Plays: Come Sail Away
We’ve already stated how much we love water, but our love goes deeper. We love everything associated with water. We love shimmering sharks sharply striking shins and slippery snails sliding slowly seaward. There’s nothing like seeing seven small swans swimming silently southward or six swift sailboats sailing sedately seaward. We even love Mrs. Smith’s Fish Sauce Shop. Yes…we said Mrs. Smith’s Fish Sauce Shop.
Band Forms: FISH
Band Plays: Under the Sea
There are only a couple things associated with water we don’t like. We definitely don’t like selfish shellfish, and there’s one story of a fallen band member in particular that always gives us the creeps:
There was a young fisher named Fischer
Who fished for a fish in a fissure.
The fish with a grin,
Pulled the fisherman in;
Now they’re fishing the fissure for Fischer.
Band Forms: OUCH
Band Plays: Tide is High
And now let us leave you with our motto:
Whether the weather be fine
Or whether the weather be not,
Whether the weather be cold
Or whether the weather be hot,
We’ll weather the weather
Whatever the weather…
Please Rise for the Red and the Blue
Band Forms: R + B
Band Plays: R&B
Penn @ Dartmouth October 4th, 2003
In an effort to keep up with the ever-changing Ivy League landscape, we, the Penn Band, have been following the Dartmouth mascot situation very closely. You all were given the opportunity to choose from an amazing list of 5 candidates which included: the Moose, the Yeti, a Dr. Seuss character, the Foresters, and the Salty Dog. Although the Salty Dog would have been very entertaining, we prefer the Dartmouth Big Green Melons.
Band Forms:
Band Plays:
To show that we care about this fine university, we have brought in Private Benjamin “Bubba” Buford-Blue to give our list of potentially great Dartmouth mascots: Greenpeace, Green Tea, Collared Greens, Green Day, Greenland, Tom Green, Greenbacks, Jolly Green Giant, Green Lantern, Jealousy “the Green Eyed Monster”, Green Goblin, Fried Green Tomatoes, Green Card, Green with Envy, Green Bay Packers, Green Flies…(fade out)
Band Forms:
Band Plays:
…Green Party, Green Eggs and Ham, Seth Green, Green Monster, Green Acres, Bowling Green, Gangrene, Alan Greenspan, Greenhouse Effect, Soylent Green is People, Greenwich, Greensboro, Green Beret, Green Light, Green M&Ms, Evergreen, Wintergreen, The Green, Mean Joe Greene, Scotty Greenjeans, College Green, Ahman Green, Green Apples, Green Beans, the Green Mile, Kryptonite…(fade out)
Band Forms:
Band Plays:
Bubba could go on for hours, but we have to go. Just remember: You might have one color but we have two. Please all rise for the Red and the Blue.
Band forms:
Band Plays R&B
Penn vs Bucknell October 11th, 2003
Click here to read the Penn-UVA Joint Show
Penn @ Columbia October 18th, 2003
In honor of Columbia’s 250th Anniversary we, the Penn Band, will now form the Top 10 Columbia band formations of all time.
#10: Blank Check
#9: Pandora’s Box
#8: The State of Utah
#7: Custer’s Last Stand
#6: Double Helix
#5: Nepalese Flag
#4: Valor
#3: Washington Crossing the Delaware
#2: Circle
and #1, you guessed it: Frank Stallone
Band Forms: A Square
Band plays: Hip to Be Square
Wow…that was difficult
We just wanted to see how it feels to be you
Now please rise for the Red and the Blue
Band Forms: UP
Band Plays: Red and Blue
Penn vs Yale October 25th, 2003 (Family Day)
On the breasts of a barmaid at Yale
Are tattooed all the prices of ale.
And on her behind
For the sake of the blind
Are the same but they're written in Braille.
Band Forms: eyeglasses
Band Plays: Touch Me
There was a young man of Japan
Whose limericks never would scan.
When they asked him, "Why?"
He said with a sigh
"It's because I always try to get as many words into the last line as I possibly can."
Band Forms: EAST
Band Plays: Mr. Roboto
A young man from Timbucktoo
Whose limericks stopped at line 2 (Long Pause)
We're just havin some fun
This one is not done
'Til you rise for the Red and the Blue.
Band Forms: R + B
Band Plays: Red & Blue
Penn @ Brown November 1st, 2003
Darkness Falls Across The Land
The Midnite Hour Is Close At Hand
Creatures Crawl In Search Of Blood
To Terrorize Y'awl's Neighbourhood
And Whosoever Shall Be Found
Without The Soul For Getting Down
Must Stand And Face The Hounds Of Hell
And Rot Inside A Corpse's Shell
The Foulest Stench Is In The Air
The Funk Of Forty Thousand Years
And Grizzy Ghouls From Every Tomb
Are Closing In To Seal Your Doom
And Though You Fight To Stay Alive
Your Body Starts To Shiver
For No Mere Mortal Can Resist
The Evil Of The Thriller
Band Plays: Thriller
Last night the Penn Band went to a Halloween party. It's amazing how many people we saw that died their hair and got a lot of piercings. I mean, it's only one night, why go all out? Anyway, while we did see many great costumes, there were a couple that we didn't see around here: Penn Band research has discovered that one of the top costumes in Las Vegas this year is the Roy costume, of Siegfried and Roy fame. While the tiger attack was an unfortunate incident, we think we know that it was no accident. We suspect some disgruntled Trick or Treaters from last year were behind this heinous event: When going door-to-door and saying "Trick or Treat," they were given a 10-minute floorshow instead of candy, much to their dismay.
Band Forms: slanted lines (simulating scratch marks)
Band Plays: Eye of the Tiger
If that's not your style, how about the Steve Bartman costume? Nothing says, "I started a domino effect that ended my team's season" like the Steve Bartman costume. This comes with headphones, stupid glasses, a Marlins jersey, and if you get the special edition it has a police escort. The ball he DIDN"T EVEN CATCH sold separately.
Band Forms: C (Cubs logo)
Band Plays: Domino
Your piercings too many,
Your showers too few.
Now please rise
For the red and the blue
Band Forms: UP
Band Plays: R&B
Penn vs Princeton November 8th, 2003 (Homecoming)
We, the Penn Band would like to welcome all the students from princeton, or as we like to call it (pause) "Rutgers for rich people" Zing! Philly must smell downright pleasent for you kids, after all the New Jersey youve taken in. Wait for it...Zing! So by a show of hands, how many of you brrought your daddy with you today huh, hehe. I mean princeton? Should be princess-ton. Ooooooooooh, Zing Again! But seriously, we care a great deal for princeton. For example, we were terribly worried when last year, it snowed on your campus and the entire student body dissapeared. Did someone say...Zing? We were also dismayed upon cancellation of the annual nude olympics, which we hear was done because the students just got too ugly. Ha! Zinged Once more! Ohh, (small laugh) we could go on forever...
Band Forms: ZING
Band Plays: All Night Long
Band Forms: Script Penn
Band Plays: R&B
Penn vs Harvard November 15th, 2003
For more than eighty years, the Penn saxes have stood for the best the Penn Band has to offer. A pillar of strength, the saxes have provided a backbone for the bands musical fortitude, and will continue to do so far into the future. Music...Community...Passion. The Penn band saxes. Paid for by penn band saxes commitee for saxes of the penn band.
(Spoken very ominously) Lately, weve been hearing a lot about the penn band saxes. But what about... (Switch to cheerful) the Trumpets? Theyre also a musical force to be reckoned with, but you know what? They don't need to brag about it. They let their music speak for itself. Tell those swelled-headed saxes where you stand. Make the right choice. Choose the Penn Band Trumpets. Paid for by Penn Trumpets against Penn Saxes.
PLAYS: Think.
FORMS: Saxes make one group on one side, trumpets on the other. The other sections run from side to side after each advertisment.
The Penn Band Saxes have a message for the trumpets. Lets look at the facts: The saxes are loved by the other sections of the band, and they love them to. The saxes also love babies, puppies, and the elderly. We're not bragging. Thats just the way things are. Penn Saxes : A Great section. Paid for by Friends of the families of the saxes of the penn band.
Lets look at the facts they say. Yes Saxes, lets look at the facts: The saxes say they love babies. FACT: The saxes have been seen publically berating children for drooling and being unable to take care of themselves. They also say they love the elderly FACT: The saxes have for years run a black market trade selling the medication of old people for a tidy profit. FACT The saxes have even tried to corrupt members of their own band, simply for a little amusement. Seems the only thing the saxes are great for...is lying. If theyre great, then the trumpets are really great. Paid for by the society of ridiculous claims in favor of the penn band trumpets.
PLAYS:Everybody Needs Somebody to Love
FORMS: Sections keep moving from saxes to trumpets
Saxes... Trumpets... Two sections of the band fighting for your admiration and approval. Its time the people said ENOUGH! The drummers of the penn band are sickened by these despicable character assaults. Trumpets, saxes, lets bring some order back to the band, and save us from this sorry public display. Paid for by penn drummers and assorted
others against the whinny saxes and trumpets.
PLAYS: Rescue Me
FORMS: Non-saxes and trumpets run to the middle next to the drummers.
Drummers, what are you after? Feeling just a little down that the saxes and trumpets are more beloved than you? You just messed with the wrong sections, drummers. Paid for the Trumpet-Saxophone coalition to bring about the demise of the Drummers. (drummers walk to bottom of field looking defeated.)
(ominous) The Saxes and trumpets claim to have a newfound respect for each other...(cheery)and its true! (trumpets and saxes come together at midfield and celebrate.) The saxes and trumpets have recently gone on several exciting outings, marked by extensive mutual ego stroking. Brought together by their collective attempts to crush a common enemy in the drummers, they plan on doing even more together in the future. Respect... Admiration...Affection. The tumpets and saxes feud is through. Paid for by those rising for the red and the blue.
PLAYS: R&B
FORMS: Smiley face, with drummers still at the bottom of the field.
Penn vs Cornell November 22nd, 2005
We, the Penn band, would like to recognize some Penn sports teams for their athletic dominance this year. The Penn football team is undefeated and has been climbing the ranks each week. What you might not know is Penn football is ranked #2 by Martha Strewart Living for tidiest uniforms . How about the Men's Golf team. These guys are so confident in their skills, that they'll even putt from the rough. And who can talk about Penn Sports without mentioning the Penn men's basketball team? Last year Jeff Schiffner made 952 three pointers in a row...that's amazing.
Band Plays: ESPN
Forms: #1
Just in case you didn't hear about the Penn Myme team winning the Iyy quiet game championships last weekend, here's a little replay of our interview with their captain:Congratulations on your win. What was your strategy? (silence) Interesting. What do you plan to do now that the season is over? (silence) Oh wow, you're in a box. That's cool. What made you want to be a myme? (silence) Really?...I would have thought otherwise. Let's get back to the field...
Band plays: 45 seconds of conducted silence
Forms: shhh
Due to the dominance of the Penn Band in Division I play, the NCAA has placed lifetime bans on the following members. As a result, they are no longer allowed to perform as part of the Penn Band on Franklin Field:
Patrick Antkoviak--exceeding ivy bands height requirement, last name much longer than first
Daniel Creedon--charged with indecent exposure and general lewdness
William "Flint" Dibble--excessive hair growth, lack of grooming
Joshua Doloff--charged with indecent lack of personal hygiene, refusal to bathe
Alan Klein--charged with breaking age requirements for ivy-league play, taking performance enhancing drugs prior to BFL
Jeff Kohl--charged with money-laundering, unnecessary roughness
Bill Loth --charged with co plying too strongly to all rules, failure to exhibit enough spontaneity
William Lovas--charged with premature pre-season practices, false starts
Evelyn Morley--charged with obstruction of justice for refusal to divulge information
Oswaldo "Teddy" Salgado--charged with unsanctioned play in the Southern Hemisphere
Jackie Tsai--charged with helium abuse, refual to spell-check schedule emails
Laura Vago--charged with obscenely large melons, preventing play of superior nature
Band plays: R&B